Scottish Jokes

Ah, the honesty of the Scots:

An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation! He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over
and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor."Did anyone else see my face?" asked the robber. There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking
down, tentatively raised her hand and said: "I think my husband might have caught a glimpse .…."

After thirty years of dating, at last, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye, Jean thought it was time to ask the question.

"Sandy," she breathed, "is it not about time we were getting married ?"

After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed.

"Yes, Jean, it is."

A hopeful gleam spread over Jean.

"Yes, Jean, it is. But who would have us ?"

***

The old Scottish woman lay dying. She looked up and asked her husband if he would do her just one small favour before she passed on. "Sandy?" she asked, "on the day of the funeral I would like you to ride in the same coach as my mother." To which Sandy replied, "All right Flora. I will do that just to please you. But you have completely spoilt the day for me."

***

Scottish Epitaph

Dry up your tears and weep no more,
I am not dead but gone before,
Remember me, and bear in mind,
You have not long to stay behind.

***

God gave folks one face, but most use another.
Few people reveal their true selves

***

While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 
 
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in," says the MSP.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the  MSP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They  run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are  having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have  a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." 

The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down  to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and  putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I  don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank  champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."

***

There was a young man of Montrose
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.
When asked by his lass
Where he carried his brass
He said "Darling, I pay through the nose."

‘Do you like your Scots broth, Dr Johnson?’
‘Ah! Very good for hogs, I believe.’
‘Then let me help you to a little more.’

Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."

Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child,
" Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."

Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. " Thanks for the vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

There are two things a Scot likes naked.
One of them is malt whisky!

Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.

Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."

Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? "
Little Sandy: " A teacher."

Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint, doctor."
Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex."

That old lonely lovely way of living in Highland places -twenty years a-growing, twenty years flowering, twenty years declining - father to son, mother to daughter giving rich tradition; peaceful bounty flowing; one harmony, all tones of life combining - old, wise ways, passed like the dust blowing.
- Douglas Young

In the highlands, in the country places,
Where the old men have rosy faces,
And the young maidens
Quiet eyes.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

A cat's a tiger in his own house.
In your own home, you 're the boss.

Seems that a Clan Chiefs daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans. Father and daughter showed up at the appointed time only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

"Young Donald, " said the angry father from the top of the stairs, " didn't I just hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in ? "
" You did, " admitted Donald. " It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you."
The father muttered, " Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days ! "

Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England.

Sandy: " Please whisper those three little words that will make me walk on air."
Girl: " Go hang yourself! "

Sandy: " Will you marry me ? "
Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "

McLeod asked the conductor how much the bus fare into the city was. " Fifteen cents, " said the conductor. McLeod thought this was a bit much so he decided to run behind the bus for a few stops.
" How much is it now ? " he gasped. "
Still fifteen cents, " said the conductor.
McLeod ran three further stops behind the bus and was barely able to ask the conductor again what the fare was now. "
Twenty cents, " said the conductor. " You're running in the wrong direction."

What's the difference between a tightrope and a Scotsman ? A tightrope sometimes gives.

An old Scotsman was watching a game of golf for the first time. " What do you think of it ?" asked a friend.
" It looks to me, " was the reply, " like a harmless little ball chased by men too old to chase anything else."

McTavish was traveling by rail in America. He asked the railway clerk for a ticket to Springfield. " Which Springfield, mister ? " asked the clerk. " Missouri, Ohio, or Massachusetts ? "
" Which is cheapest ? "

If you lie down with dogs you'll rise up with fleas.

In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."

Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "

Sandy: " You know bonny sweetheart, since I met you, I can't eat...I can't sleep...! can't drink my whisky."
Fiona: " Why not ? "
Sandy: " I'm broke."

After dinner sit a while,
after supper walk a mile.

Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus, anyway, " he growled.

Sandy: " Without you, the Highlands are dark and dreary...the clouds gather and the wind beats the rain...then comes the warm sun...you are like an island rainbow."
Fiona: " Is this a formal proposal or a weather report ?"

The English General got a case of cold feet before the battle against the Highlanders. Calling his command together, he said: " Men, we're going to get beaten, but you must fight as bravely as you can. If worse comes to worst, run for it; as for me, I'm a little lame, so I'll start now. "

Nurse:" Dr. MacLeod, there's a man in the waiting room who claims he's invisible"
Dr MacLeod: " Tell him I can't see him."

Sandy: " Fiona, here's your engagement ring."
Fiona: " But this diamond has a flaw in it."
Sandy " You shouldn't notice that - we are in love, and love is blind."
Fiona: " Not stone blind."

Sandy came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Sandy ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Sandy sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the quay. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "
You'll have to do better than that. Sandy, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

Sandy stepped up to the tee and drove off. The ball sailed straight down the fairway, leaped onto the green, and rolled into the hole. Sandy threw his club in the air with excitement.
" What have you suddenly gone crazy about ? " asked his wife, who was trying to leam something about the game.
" Why, I just got a hole-in-one," yelled Sandy, a wild gleam of delight in his eyes.
" Did you ? " asked his wife very calmly.
" Do it again, Sandy, I didn't see you."

A bald head is soon shaved.
An easy task is soon completed.

Silver spoons for the bride and groom!
In olden times it was customary for Scots couples contemplating marriage to pay a visit to Parliament Close ( narrow street ) in Edinburgh. This was the home of the capital city's silversmiths where the bride and groom would select their silver spoons...then just as important as a part of any marriage as the ring, cake and bridesmaids. Usually two journeys were made involving the silver spoons. The first, a few weeks before the ceremony, to select the spoons and give details of the initials to be marked on them; the other to receive and pay for the spoons.

The Englishman came into the garage, walked up to the parking space, and, squatting down, went through the motions of driving a car.
" MacDonald, " said a shocked customer, " why don't you tell the poor man he doesn't have a car ? "
" Are you crazy ? He pays me $5 to wash it every time he comes into the garage."

" Mrs. MacDonald, could you give me something for a home for alcoholics ? " " Come back at 10pm. My husband will be home then."

A possible reason for the Highland Fling could be the long thistles in the heather.

Sandy's wife was discussing with a neighbor the previous day's fishing experience with her husband. " I made every mistake in the book ! " she said. " I talked too much. I used the wrong bait. I talked too loud, and I reeled in too soon. And to make matters even worse... I caught more fish than he did."

A Scot returned to the office after a fishing trip. He was telling the office staff about the size of one of the fish that he had almost caught. " I'll bet it was almost as big as the Loch Ness monster, " jeered his boss. "
Loch Ness monster ? " replied the fisherman. " Man , I was using the monster for bait! " .

A fisherman is a man who catches a big fish by patience, and sometimes luck, but most often by the...tale.

Sandy's wife called Dr. McGregor and explained that her husband was very ill.
" I know this is a lot to ask, Doctor. " pleaded the woman, " but we live far from town and the car is broken and Sandy is sick. Is it possible for you to come out here to Glencoe ? " " No problem, " boomed Dr. McGregor. " I have another patient to visit in the Glen. I'll just kill two birds with one stone ! "

Dr. McGregor was trying to comfort a sick patient who seemed nervous about his ailment.
" You know. Sandy, you shouldn't be nervous. I've had the same thing myself"
" Yes, " replied Sandy, " but you didn't have the same doctor! "

Scotsmen are metaphysical and emotional, they are skeptical and mystical, they are romantic and ironic, they are cruel and tender, and full of mirth and despair.

Freedom and whisky go together.
Robert Burns.

My heart's in the Highlands, my heart is not here.
My heart's in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.
A-chasing the deer and following the roe,
My heart's in the Highlands wherever I go.
Robert Burns.

What butter and whisky will not cure,
there is no cure for.

The rain is God's way of cleaning the cows !
Even bad weather has it's useful purpose.

Kenneth McKellar:
An African native wrote saying that if I sent him a dozen photographs of myself he would bless me. I sent him the pictures next day! I should hate ever to get on the wrong side of a witch-doctor.

Sandy went to the hospital complaining of sharp pains in his legs. After a few days of tests, his doctor came to see him. " Sandy, I have some good news and some bad news Which do you want to hear first ? "
Sandy asked for the bad news first. " The bad news is that we'll have to amputate both your legs."
" My legs ! " wailed Sandy. " What on earth could the good news possibly be ? "
" Donald, the man across the hall says he'll buy your kilt."

Dr. McGregor was attending a dinner party and watching the host expertly carve and slice the large turkey for his guests. " How am I doing. Doc ? Pretty good ? I think I'd make a really good surgeon, " said the host proudly. When the host was through piling up the sliced turkey on the serving platter, the good doctor observed, " Anyone can take them apart. Now let's see you put it back together again."

Among the conditions of sale by a Scottish auctioneer was the following: " The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless someone bids more."

The doctor finished his examination and told the old Scotsman to come into his office.
" Sit down, Donald. After looking at these test results, I recommend that you have an operation immediately." The old Scot thought for a long moment
" How will this affect my hobby. Doctor ? "
" What's your hobby ? "
" Saving money ! "

Dr. McGregor was trying desperately to determine what was the matter. " Do you feel listless. Sandy ? "
" No, I don't feel listless, Doctor. If I felt that good, I wouldn't be here."

Doctor: " I think we can just about save your life, sir, but it will take an operation that will cost $10,000." McTavish: " That's a terribly high cost, doctor, do you think it's worth it."

Sandy bought his wife an expensive Japanese fan for her birthday. He told her it would last for years if she held it still and moved her head from side to side.

The following advertisement appeared in a Scottish newspaper. " A gentleman who has lost a left leg would like to correspond with another who has lost his right leg and takes a size nine shoe."

Policemen in Glasgow, in the mid-nineteenth century, used to call out the hours in the morning and, at the same time, proclaim the state of the weather. Householders heard them in the early hours, underneath their windows, calling phrases like 'Five o'clock-and a fine mornin ,' or 'Five o'clock and a rainy mornin .' One policeman, finding the climatic conditions almost indescribable, compromised by calling out: " Six o'clock, and a funny morning."

A Glasgow town councillor, on being promoted to a Bailie, gave a fine banquet at which his health was drunk. Replying, he said: "I can't say that I am not entitled to this honour, for, believe me, I've gone through all the various stages of degradation to reach it."

A not-so-subtle story concerns the coffin that popped out of a hearse as it was being driven up a hill to a cemetery in Maryhill, Glasgow. It slid back down the hill and across the street into a chemist's shop. As it was crossing the floor, the man inside sat up and asked the chemist: "Say, sir, have you got anything to stop my coffin?.

A trout in the pot is better than a salmon in the sea.