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Scottish Golf Jokes

A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."


"It is now generally accepted that golf did not originate in Scotland. No Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball."

The Old Course is the worst golf course I've ever played on! This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the thick gorse. He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two roots. He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You know what shot I'm going to take here."
"Yes, sir," replied the caddie as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

That's good for one long drive and a putt," said the cocky golfer as he teed his ball and looked down the fairway to the green on the first tee of the Old Course in St Andrews. He swung mightily and hit his ball which landed about a metre from the tee. His Scottish caddie handed him a club and remarked: "And now for one hell of a putt."

Did you hear about the Scots golfer who wore a black arm-band. He was in mourning for a lost golf ball.

Well Caddy, How do you like my game?
Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.

They were watching the final stages of a golf match on TV in the club house when Sandy came in and suggested turning up the sound a bit. "Sshh! Not now, while Colin Montgomery is putting!"

Jock was playing golf with the minister of the local kirk. At the last hole he missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match. Out of deference to his playing partner, he said absolutely nothing. The minister then observed "That was the most profane silence I have ever heard."

MacTavish was watching a game of golf for the first time and was asked by a friend what he thought of the game. He replied "It looks to me like a harmless little ball chased by men too old to chase anything else..."

The old golfer paced anxiously up and down outside he emergency room of the East Lothian Hospital near Muirfield Golf Course. Inside the doctors were operating to remove a golf ball accidentally driven down a player's throat. The sister-in-charge noticed the old golfer and went to reassure him. "It won't be long now," she said. "You're a relative?" "No, no, lassie. It's my ball."

One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "You are my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"

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